The tub

I am a huge fan of bath tubs. Being a very very lazy person, I hate bathing. It’s very hard for me to get up from my comfortable bed, go to the bathroom, open the shower and gasp loudly as the first drops of water trickle down the spine, then rub your hands all over the body (I categorize this act as rigorous exercise), apply soap and wash again (exercise again). This is during summers. Don’t get me started on winters.

A bath tub skips all this exercise. There is something very pleasant about lying down in the tub neck deep and let the water and bath gel do its work. And of course, I love the foam.

I have been alive for thirty-one years now. And up until three years ago, I have never lived in a house with a bath tub. Three years ago, Dad renovated the house when I was getting married and built two completely new bathrooms, one with a bath tub. I was ecstatic. I have never bathed in that tub till now. But I plan to.

Once, I mentioned my love for these little cubicles of pleasure (bath tubs, not the cubicles of cyber cafe) with some friends. The ladies didn’t like it.

Lady friend: “Guys have a one track mind. All you want from a bath tub is having sex in it.”

Me: “Of course I want to have sex in it. Who doesn’t?”

Lady friend: “Next thing you’ll be telling us is you want a woman in that tub. Like she’s just a commodity for you. All you guys think of women as sex objects.”

Me: “I don’t think women as sex objects. They are human beings…who object to sex.”

Lady friend: Middle finger.

I guess this love for bath tubs started when I was very young. Back in the Doordarshan days, they showed an advertisement of Lux soap with Zeenat Amaan in a bath tub. My first reaction was to jump into that tub. I don’t remember if I wanted to jump into an empty one or the one with a wet Zeenat Amaan in it. I ordered Mom to buy only Lux soaps for me.

In summer vacations, we always went to my mamaji’s place in Kanpur. It’s a huge property with the house, gardens, and even small farms inside it. There was (and still is) a well with a haudiya (rectangular, cemented, open water tanks) close to the farms. All the children used to bath in it every other day because usage of soap was prohibited in it because the water went to the farms. So one day we bathed in the bathroom (which I hated) with soaps and the other day we went to the haudiya.

One day, I brought the soap there because I didn’t want to bath the next day in the bathroom. After everybody went away, I took out the soap and washed myself. I went to the house a happy man, but I forgot the soap there. Next day, there was an enquiry commission to determine who the culprit was. The abandoned Lux acted as evidence. Rest of the family, being Vinod Khanna’s fans, used Cinthols.

Last action heroes

I watched Expendables 2 some weeks ago. It was evident that the script was as strong as any recent Sallu Bhai movie, but it was as entertaining as any recent Sallu Bhai movie. People like me, who grew up in 80s and 90s, on a steady diet of Rambos and Rockys and Terminators and Die Hards, will know what it feels like to watch Norris, Willis, Stallone and Schwarzenegger standing side by side, guns blazing in their hands and killing bad guys.

But then after watching this movie, some thoughts ran in my mind. What if Bollywood made this movie? With our greatest action heroes (and I am not talking about the Jaani Dushman ensemble)? What will it look like? More importantly, what will it feel like? I tried to make a list.

Dara Singh

He’s the Gandalf of Bollywood action heroes. Looked menacing right up until his very last movie. But his most memorable role still remains Hanuman in the iconic TV show Ramayan. Just like Prithviraj Kapoor and his Zin-e-Ilaahi, it’s hard to imagine anybody else in this role.

Dharamendra

No list of action heroes is complete without “the” man who threatens to feast on the blood of his enemies. The only man who could be macho even in a skirt. It was he, who co-created the dhai kilo ka haath.

Anil Kapoor

Dude, he killed Mogambo. Not to mention the assorted bunch of thugs he’s routinely tackled with, plus the umpteen number of times he has played a deranged bhai. All machismo, all the way.

Jackie Shroff

If there was one person from Bollywood who could have played the role of James Bond, it was he. Gaand, Maushichi Gaand. The most suave of all the action heroes.

Sunjay Dutt

A gun never looks better and more at home than in his hands. The favorite bhai of Bollywood. The original bad boy.

The Deol

Hundred kilos men flung ten feet up in the air and pin-wheeling with just one punch. Uprooting a hand-pump from the ground like plucking a flower. Hundreds of men maa-behened with that hand-pump. An entire battalion of Pakistani army, equipped with tanks and helicopters defeated by a rickety old truck. If there is one man who can make you believe it’s possible, it’s our sunny paaji.   

Akshay Kumar

Veeru Devgun once said, “If I can think it, he can do it.” Nowadays, he lets his comedy provide the kicks. But beware, he can still slap you with his feet.

Salman Khan

There is not a single gym in the whole country which does not have a poster of Salman Khan. The laws of physics are scared of him. That’s why they don’t apply themselves when he’s around. He does not have a lion-like roar like sunny paaji, he just takes off his shirt. And all hell breaks loose. In the movie and in the movie hall.

The Bachchan

No biceps, no chest, no abs, no roar. Then why is he the greatest action hero? It’s the eyes, and the voice, and hell yes, the attitude. That’s why Deewar – which made the angry young man – has only one fight scene, and is still considered as one of the greatest action movies. That’s why the look he gives in Sarkar, while sipping his tea, can put any roaring Tara Singh to mute.

There are many more here. Ajay Devgn started of brilliantly with his two bikes, but became an “actor” later on. He’s trying to come back to old ways. Sunil Shetty, with his O-mouth and bulging biceps was a sight to behold. Hritik looks good while performing action sequences but to me they look like dance steps. Aamir Khan is overpowered by his brain – whether it’s a sharp-minded cop in Sarfarosh or a fifteen-minute-minded bauna shaitan in Ghajini.

There are two more people I omitted – Rajnikanth, because he’s not really Bollywood. And Mithunda – out of sheer respect.

These people are more ferocious and magnanimous than the Schwarzeneggers and Stallones because of the more deadly villains out here – a post on whom I plan to write shortly.