Thou shalt not…

I was talking to a Bangalorean today. No, they are not an alien race. Although, a race in themselves. No matter where in India you are from, if you live in Bangalore, bangalorean you are. There are local bangaloreans, there are north Indian bangaloreans, and there are the neighboring bangaloreans (Telugu, Tamil and Kerelites). Talking to them is an experience in itself. Not that English is our mother tongue, but since it’s common language (in a country with eighteen official and hundreds other languages), we converse in the same.

Something I noticed while talking to him, is how Indians (myself included, obviously) twist this most popular language in the world. And I don’t mean like Masterji twisting ears, but like Gangu halwaai twisting jalebis. Tasty.

1. Taking things

“I’ll call you later as I am taking lunch right now.”

Taking where? To the fucking pool for a swim? Why can’t we just have lunch, or have rest? Is it because we take things for granted?

2. Basically…

“Basically what I mean is, basically, we import toothpicks.”

We software engineers are often told that regardless of the ever changing technologies in our field of work, what matters most is, you should have your basics clear. This might be the reason why basically is our favorite word.

3. Updation

The moment I typed this word, MS Word drew a red line beneath it. And so does Outlook Express. Then why, oh why, do we write mails with lines like,

“When can I have an updation regarding this issue?” (Red line again.)

If this were a java code, all hell would have broken loose.

4. Myself…

“Myself Chutinder Chadda.”

If you want to say your name, just say, “My name is Chutinder Chadda”. Unless you want to fail your job interview.

5. Put

It is our universal way of shortening sentences. Instead of, “Switch off the light.”, we use, “Put the switch.” But then, we have people who use neither.

“Off the switch!!”

6. Would

“I would be traveling to Wasseypur tomorrow.”

ICSE board, laughed at in my times, for being too easy (“Arre ladka compteesan kaise dega?”), made one thing absolutely straight. You will have impeccable grammar. Nevertheless, for stoneheads like me, my English grammar is as impeccable as Javed Miandad’s cricketing career. But this use of would instead of will would surely have guaranteed a pat (a hard one) on the back by the teacher.

7. -ing

“When I will be going to my hometown, I will be bringing insanely smelling sweets for you.”

I am always dying and hearing bells ringing when somebody is saying these irritating wordings to me.

8. Shorthands

“c if u cud mk it psbl fr 2moro its gna b osm prty…i nw u bsy nly bt gv it a try naaa…cheerzzzz yaaa...”

These headache inducing shorthands are harder to break than the Enigma code. Finding the God particle is easier.

9. Only

“I am here only.”

As opposed to just being “here”? This is the least lonely and most overused word in Indian-English.

The reference to bangaloreans earlier is not typical. It’s just that these gems came to mind after talking to one of them. Come to think of it, punjabis and gujaratis and biharis and all of us use it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. After all, this is our brand of English.

We are the only ones in the world who prepone things.