The roomies

Six years of my life I have lived as a bachelor. With bachelors. Countless number of times I have talked to people who have lived/are living this way. The inference of all those talks and shared experiences I am sharing below:

1. The place: Can be a room, an apartment or a whole house. Will contain desktops if you are a student or a television, refrigerator, inverter, and probably a washing machine if you are working.

2. The smell: Is same as Chandni bar on Sunday morning.

3. The balcony: If there is any, is strewn with hanging ropes with an assortment of underwears, baniyans, socks and towels.

4. There will always be a lazy guy who will always wake up late and wear the same stinky t-shirt or shirt to college/office.

5. There will be one person who will never wash the utensils. Similarly, there will be one person who will always wash all the utensils.

6. There will be one bachelor who will wear the same underwear for days. His mannerisms will be like Sachin Tendulkar on crease.

7. There will be one person who will always be on phone. If they are in college, he will be the dude of the room.

8. There are smokers. Occasional – they will occasionally smoke a cigarette during a daru party. Loaners – who will never buy one but ask for a kash or a whole cigarette from another. Light smokers – will smoke after lunch and dinner. And then there is the Guru, who believes that the fire at the end of the stick is God-sent and shall never be doused – eternal. He has at least twenty cigarettes lying all over the apartment at strategic locations so that he will have fast access to it in case of an emergency. He has at least three packs in his cupboard/almirah/suitcase in case of sudden apocalypse. He’s the one people go to in the middle of the night: “Abe sutta khatam ho gaya hai, ek de de bhai…”.

9. Pan wallah: He’s the Guru in a completely different sense. His demeanor exuberates calm, saint-like tranquility. Like a sadhu on maun vrat, he remains unperturbed from the ecosystem which surrounds him. People around him find peace near him. People not usually around him think he’s an introvert. Neither is true, it’s just that his mouth is always full of Pan Parag or Rajnigandha or Tulsi.

10. There will be one person who will always be late in matters related to rent payments, contribution for daru parties, etc.

11. Sharaabi: Irom Sharmila isn’t the only one who’s on a liquid diet. There are people who drink whiskey and/or vodka and/or rum and/or wine and/or beer and/or desi and/or any other kind of liquor more than the Volturi drink blood. They may also often be seen with a joint in the other hand. You can see them in the morning with their head in their hands complaining of headache because they didn’t get to drink the previous night.

12. The aam aadmi: He’s the one who will get up on time in the morning, get fresh, bathe, do a small prayer in front of a small photo of a deity (ranging from Lord Shiva to Sai baba) and go to college/office. When he returns, he’ll wash his clothes, watch some news, or Big Boss, or Pavitra Rishta, eat from the kitchen and go to sleep. He can often be sighted holding a glass of pepsi in a room daru party. These guys are usually good cooks and do a part time job as handyman if you want a pack of cigarettes or a quarter of Blender’s Pride from the market if he’s going their for his packet of milk.

13. Tharki: He can describe Lalita Pawar in such a way that she’ll look like Pamela Anderson the next time you see her. The pinnacle of human equality, every girl/woman is same for him.

14. Gadget freak: In school, a friend of mine used to be called a gadget freak because he owned a scientific calculator. Now it has been replaced by the latest Apple product (which frequently gets replaced by another Apple product). These guys have credit card bills in the multiple of ten thousands. They will not believe they are standing in front of the Taj Mahal if Google maps won’t confirm it.          

While I can say that I miss those days, my wife is the most avid reader of this blog, so I’ll say that I’m happier now.

The tub

I am a huge fan of bath tubs. Being a very very lazy person, I hate bathing. It’s very hard for me to get up from my comfortable bed, go to the bathroom, open the shower and gasp loudly as the first drops of water trickle down the spine, then rub your hands all over the body (I categorize this act as rigorous exercise), apply soap and wash again (exercise again). This is during summers. Don’t get me started on winters.

A bath tub skips all this exercise. There is something very pleasant about lying down in the tub neck deep and let the water and bath gel do its work. And of course, I love the foam.

I have been alive for thirty-one years now. And up until three years ago, I have never lived in a house with a bath tub. Three years ago, Dad renovated the house when I was getting married and built two completely new bathrooms, one with a bath tub. I was ecstatic. I have never bathed in that tub till now. But I plan to.

Once, I mentioned my love for these little cubicles of pleasure (bath tubs, not the cubicles of cyber cafe) with some friends. The ladies didn’t like it.

Lady friend: “Guys have a one track mind. All you want from a bath tub is having sex in it.”

Me: “Of course I want to have sex in it. Who doesn’t?”

Lady friend: “Next thing you’ll be telling us is you want a woman in that tub. Like she’s just a commodity for you. All you guys think of women as sex objects.”

Me: “I don’t think women as sex objects. They are human beings…who object to sex.”

Lady friend: Middle finger.

I guess this love for bath tubs started when I was very young. Back in the Doordarshan days, they showed an advertisement of Lux soap with Zeenat Amaan in a bath tub. My first reaction was to jump into that tub. I don’t remember if I wanted to jump into an empty one or the one with a wet Zeenat Amaan in it. I ordered Mom to buy only Lux soaps for me.

In summer vacations, we always went to my mamaji’s place in Kanpur. It’s a huge property with the house, gardens, and even small farms inside it. There was (and still is) a well with a haudiya (rectangular, cemented, open water tanks) close to the farms. All the children used to bath in it every other day because usage of soap was prohibited in it because the water went to the farms. So one day we bathed in the bathroom (which I hated) with soaps and the other day we went to the haudiya.

One day, I brought the soap there because I didn’t want to bath the next day in the bathroom. After everybody went away, I took out the soap and washed myself. I went to the house a happy man, but I forgot the soap there. Next day, there was an enquiry commission to determine who the culprit was. The abandoned Lux acted as evidence. Rest of the family, being Vinod Khanna’s fans, used Cinthols.

Last action heroes

I watched Expendables 2 some weeks ago. It was evident that the script was as strong as any recent Sallu Bhai movie, but it was as entertaining as any recent Sallu Bhai movie. People like me, who grew up in 80s and 90s, on a steady diet of Rambos and Rockys and Terminators and Die Hards, will know what it feels like to watch Norris, Willis, Stallone and Schwarzenegger standing side by side, guns blazing in their hands and killing bad guys.

But then after watching this movie, some thoughts ran in my mind. What if Bollywood made this movie? With our greatest action heroes (and I am not talking about the Jaani Dushman ensemble)? What will it look like? More importantly, what will it feel like? I tried to make a list.

Dara Singh

He’s the Gandalf of Bollywood action heroes. Looked menacing right up until his very last movie. But his most memorable role still remains Hanuman in the iconic TV show Ramayan. Just like Prithviraj Kapoor and his Zin-e-Ilaahi, it’s hard to imagine anybody else in this role.

Dharamendra

No list of action heroes is complete without “the” man who threatens to feast on the blood of his enemies. The only man who could be macho even in a skirt. It was he, who co-created the dhai kilo ka haath.

Anil Kapoor

Dude, he killed Mogambo. Not to mention the assorted bunch of thugs he’s routinely tackled with, plus the umpteen number of times he has played a deranged bhai. All machismo, all the way.

Jackie Shroff

If there was one person from Bollywood who could have played the role of James Bond, it was he. Gaand, Maushichi Gaand. The most suave of all the action heroes.

Sunjay Dutt

A gun never looks better and more at home than in his hands. The favorite bhai of Bollywood. The original bad boy.

The Deol

Hundred kilos men flung ten feet up in the air and pin-wheeling with just one punch. Uprooting a hand-pump from the ground like plucking a flower. Hundreds of men maa-behened with that hand-pump. An entire battalion of Pakistani army, equipped with tanks and helicopters defeated by a rickety old truck. If there is one man who can make you believe it’s possible, it’s our sunny paaji.   

Akshay Kumar

Veeru Devgun once said, “If I can think it, he can do it.” Nowadays, he lets his comedy provide the kicks. But beware, he can still slap you with his feet.

Salman Khan

There is not a single gym in the whole country which does not have a poster of Salman Khan. The laws of physics are scared of him. That’s why they don’t apply themselves when he’s around. He does not have a lion-like roar like sunny paaji, he just takes off his shirt. And all hell breaks loose. In the movie and in the movie hall.

The Bachchan

No biceps, no chest, no abs, no roar. Then why is he the greatest action hero? It’s the eyes, and the voice, and hell yes, the attitude. That’s why Deewar – which made the angry young man – has only one fight scene, and is still considered as one of the greatest action movies. That’s why the look he gives in Sarkar, while sipping his tea, can put any roaring Tara Singh to mute.

There are many more here. Ajay Devgn started of brilliantly with his two bikes, but became an “actor” later on. He’s trying to come back to old ways. Sunil Shetty, with his O-mouth and bulging biceps was a sight to behold. Hritik looks good while performing action sequences but to me they look like dance steps. Aamir Khan is overpowered by his brain – whether it’s a sharp-minded cop in Sarfarosh or a fifteen-minute-minded bauna shaitan in Ghajini.

There are two more people I omitted – Rajnikanth, because he’s not really Bollywood. And Mithunda – out of sheer respect.

These people are more ferocious and magnanimous than the Schwarzeneggers and Stallones because of the more deadly villains out here – a post on whom I plan to write shortly.

Thou shalt not…

I was talking to a Bangalorean today. No, they are not an alien race. Although, a race in themselves. No matter where in India you are from, if you live in Bangalore, bangalorean you are. There are local bangaloreans, there are north Indian bangaloreans, and there are the neighboring bangaloreans (Telugu, Tamil and Kerelites). Talking to them is an experience in itself. Not that English is our mother tongue, but since it’s common language (in a country with eighteen official and hundreds other languages), we converse in the same.

Something I noticed while talking to him, is how Indians (myself included, obviously) twist this most popular language in the world. And I don’t mean like Masterji twisting ears, but like Gangu halwaai twisting jalebis. Tasty.

1. Taking things

“I’ll call you later as I am taking lunch right now.”

Taking where? To the fucking pool for a swim? Why can’t we just have lunch, or have rest? Is it because we take things for granted?

2. Basically…

“Basically what I mean is, basically, we import toothpicks.”

We software engineers are often told that regardless of the ever changing technologies in our field of work, what matters most is, you should have your basics clear. This might be the reason why basically is our favorite word.

3. Updation

The moment I typed this word, MS Word drew a red line beneath it. And so does Outlook Express. Then why, oh why, do we write mails with lines like,

“When can I have an updation regarding this issue?” (Red line again.)

If this were a java code, all hell would have broken loose.

4. Myself…

“Myself Chutinder Chadda.”

If you want to say your name, just say, “My name is Chutinder Chadda”. Unless you want to fail your job interview.

5. Put

It is our universal way of shortening sentences. Instead of, “Switch off the light.”, we use, “Put the switch.” But then, we have people who use neither.

“Off the switch!!”

6. Would

“I would be traveling to Wasseypur tomorrow.”

ICSE board, laughed at in my times, for being too easy (“Arre ladka compteesan kaise dega?”), made one thing absolutely straight. You will have impeccable grammar. Nevertheless, for stoneheads like me, my English grammar is as impeccable as Javed Miandad’s cricketing career. But this use of would instead of will would surely have guaranteed a pat (a hard one) on the back by the teacher.

7. -ing

“When I will be going to my hometown, I will be bringing insanely smelling sweets for you.”

I am always dying and hearing bells ringing when somebody is saying these irritating wordings to me.

8. Shorthands

“c if u cud mk it psbl fr 2moro its gna b osm prty…i nw u bsy nly bt gv it a try naaa…cheerzzzz yaaa...”

These headache inducing shorthands are harder to break than the Enigma code. Finding the God particle is easier.

9. Only

“I am here only.”

As opposed to just being “here”? This is the least lonely and most overused word in Indian-English.

The reference to bangaloreans earlier is not typical. It’s just that these gems came to mind after talking to one of them. Come to think of it, punjabis and gujaratis and biharis and all of us use it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. After all, this is our brand of English.

We are the only ones in the world who prepone things.