Facebook is a Stupid Idiot

I saw my ex on facebook
But I wanted to do what's best.
To show her there are no hard feelings
I sent her a "Friend Request".
But now her photo pops up in that random six
And I just think its mean.
There she is with a new guy, makin' out
On my computer screen.

Facebook is a stupid idiot...

My friend said you gotta be on facebook
To connect in the digital age.
So like everyone else...and their pets
I got my face on a facebook page.
Now the learning curve was a bitch at first,
I didn't know 'till I got burned.
That what I wrote on my wall could be seen by all
That's just the first thing that I learned.

Facebook is a stupid idiot...

It's a place for worthless information
Like an insane almanac.
Where women post minutiae
And men write stupid comments back.
Where women can vent about mundane events
And inundate the internet.
And where clueless men "friend" women
who they've never even met.

Facebook is a stupid idiot
'Cause I can stand to miss
The fact that Tanya thinks all her friends are "Awesome"
And for some reason..Pete "Likes this".
And Rita reports that the trucks are loud
But she still loves this city. It proves that
Facebook is a stupid idiot.

Now some woman sent me flowers
Though I don't even know her name.
I stayed home that day for hours
But no flowers ever came.
Then she started sending hugs and drinks.
Of course all of it completely fake.
Then she hit me with a "virtual pillow",
How much shit can one man take?

Facebook is a stupid idiot
'Cause I don't need to read
All the everyday hapless crap out there
Then ZAP!...It's a "News Feed".
Now some guy with a mind for trivia wants to know
How mine compares to his.
But I'm gonna buy a gun if he sends
One more fucking movie quiz.
And Liza says she needs fertilizer
'Cause her Farmville crops are small.
(...What the FUCK is Farmville??)
And Missy says she's just so damn busy today
But had time to write that on my wall!

Facebook is a stupid idiot...

David Ippolito

Video's on my facebook wall...

Dabangggg...

Salman Khan having lunch with his family after the release of 'Veer'.


Salim Khan: "Sallu beta, what is the name of the movie again...Veeru?"

Sallu: "No dad, its Veer. Its time you stopped being so obsessed with Veeru."

Sohail: "So you started with a flop this year. SRK's My Name is Khan did well overseas."

Sallu: "I hate that sonofabitch. He makes Veer-Zara and its a hit. I make Veer-Zarine, its a flop."

Sohail: "Yeah. You know what, we need a 'Wanted'-like movie. Let me produce it and instead of Prabhudeva, we'll get Rajnikant to direct it."

Arbaaz: "No no no. Let me produce the movie."

Sohail: "You?"

Arbaaz: "Yeah. I want to stand on my own legs. I don't want to live on the pocket money Sallu gives me. Malaika also is not getting any younger. Her item number and sexy guest appearance days are numbered now. We need money."

Sallu: "Okz. Arbu will produce the next movie."

Arbu: "Yippiieee. I have done some research already so that it looks hatke. You will have short hair. And you'll have a moustache. And you'll be a real cop this time instead of an undercover one. Plus, you won't be wearing a tshirt in the whole movie."

Sallu: "What? You know how difficult it is to take off a shirt? A tshirt is so easy."

Arbu (Smiles): "Don't worry about that. I have a great idea. you will never have to take off your shirt."

Sallu: "What??...How??...Are you nuts?"

Arbu: "Just leave it to me. Believe me, when the audience sees the scene, they'll go mad."


A few days later.


Arbu: "I've selected the probables for the cast. You'll have to finalize it ofcourse."

Sallu: "Go on."

Arbu: "Your mother will be Dimple Kapadia. There are no fortyish-woman-in-love-with-twentyish-boy roles nowadays so she's ready for the maa role. I'll be playing your brother."

Sallu: "Wait a minute. I think Sohailu should be my brother. He's feeling a bit left out of this project."

Arbu: "No, actually, its a role for a really dumb person. I can do it better."

Sallu: "Okz. But I need a fresh face for the heroine."

Arbu: "That's where Vinod Khanna comes in. He'll play your father. And since he and Shotgun Sinha are both in BJP, he can convince him to launch his daughter in this movie. Thus, we get a star daughter."

Sallu: "What about the script?"

Arbu: "Its a new concept in script writing. The script is in two parts - static and dynamic. Dynamic part will be developed as the shooting progresses - just like Wanted and Veer. Static part is complete."

Sallu: "What's the static part?"

Arbu: "The movie is set in UP."

Sallu: "Hmmm, then my character's surname must be Pandey. Okz, so lets start shooting...I mean the movie. When can we start?"

Arbu: "The car's outside."


Six months later, I was in a multiplex auditorium watching Dabangg. The dynamic part of the script must have been really dynamic - it went past me faster than the speed of light. Performances were average. Sonakshi Sinha was somewhere between Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif (the point that both of them were Sallu's exes is as totally unrelated as Sallu and Arbu). Action sequences were good but one can easily spot the special effects. In all, the movie was just like the Gundas and Cheetahs and Yumraajs that Mithunda used to star in not so long ago.

But there was a twist.

The twist was Chulbul Pandey.

And the crowd went mad.

And I loved it.

Fuck the story. Fuck the screenplay. Fuck everybody. I am Salman Khan. I am Chulbul Pandey. I am the story. The movie is mine. If you could read between the lines, this was the real message Sallu bhai was shouting all throughout the two hours. And the audience loved it. They started seetis and taalis when Chulbul enters the screen and started mowing down the bad guys. Poor people, there were just twenty of them. They had no chance. They were bludgeoned through the off side, through the leg side, behind square leg, through the covers, mid off, mid on, everywhere breaking the fences. The seetis and taalis continued throughout the duration of 'Munni badnaam hui...' which has become the new 'Bidi jalaile..' of the nation. Infact, there was a portion in the movie where Chulbul was absent from the screen for ten odd minutes. There was a huge audible sigh of relief from the audience when he came back. It felt like I was watching the movie in Gorakhpur rather than in a Noida multiplex.

Many will say that it's a typical bollywood hero-centric type of movie. That's right. But only Salman has the style, the karisma, the panache, the awe, to successfully carry out the role of Chulbul Pandey, and hence the movie. Unstoppable...unbelievable. Who needs superheroes in bollywood when you have Mithunda, Sunny paaji and Sallu bhai.

Go watch it. You may like it, you may dislike it. But don't miss it. And do watch the climax to understand why Arbu was smiling.

In The Name of the Rose

Red roses were her favourites, her name was also Rose.

And every year her husband sent them tied with pretty bows.

The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.

The card said, "Be my love." like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,

"I love you more this year than the last year on this day.

My love for you will always grow with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time that the roses will appear.

She thought he ordered roses in advance before this day.

Her loving husband did not know that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early, way before the time.

Then if he got too busy, everything would work out just fine.

She trimmed the stems and placed them in a very special vase.

Then set the vase besides the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours in her husband's favourite chair.

While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by and it was hard to live without her mate.

With loneliness and solitude, that has become her fate.

Then, the very hour, as on their special day before,

The doorbell rang, and there were roses sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in and just looked at them in shock.

Then went to get to the telephone, to call the florist's shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him if he would explain,

Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away more than a year ago",

The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today were paid for in advance.

You husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order that I have on file down here,

And he has paid well in advance, you'll get them every year.

There is also another thing that I think you should know.

He wrote a special little card. He did this years ago.

Then should I ever find out that he's no longer here,

That's the card, that should be sent to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears were flowing hard.

Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached for the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he has written her a note.

Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love. I know it's been a year since I've been gone.

I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be very lonely and the pain is very real.

For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.

I love you more than the words could say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.

I know its only been a year, but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.

That is why, the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness

That we had shared together, and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and I know I always will.

But my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"The roses will come every year, and they will only stop

When the door is not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.

But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt

To take the roses to the place where I've instructed him.

And Place the roses, where we are, 

Together once again."

The Nothing Box

Wifey went out of town this morning. I was doing nothing. Then I started thinking about doing nothing. How easily can we men do nothing. And how doing nothing drives our wives and girlfriends nuts because they can't do it. I think its the anatomy, especially brains. 

I want to start with men's brain. They are very unique. They are made up of little boxes, and we have a box for everything. We got a box for the car, we got a box for money, a box for job, a box for you, a box for kids, a box for chores somewhere down in the basement, a box for my family, a box for your family. We got boxes everywhere. And the rule is - the boxes don't touch. When a man discusses a particular subject, he goes to that particular box, pulls that box out carefully so that it doesn't touches another box, open the box and discusses ONLY whats in that box.

Women's brains are very different from men's brain. They are made up of a big ball of wires. Everything is connected to everything - money is connected to the car, car is connected to the job, job is connected to the kids - its like a big buzzing ball of very complex circuitry.

Now men have a box in their brain that most women are not aware of. Its called a Nothing Box - it has nothing in it. And of all the boxes that we have in our brain, the Nothing Box is our favourite box. That's why men can do seemingly completely braindead things for hours on end. Ofcourse, this drives women crazy. That's why they go like, "You....can't....possibly....be...doing...noththththinggggg..!!!!!"

Now there's a university in U.S. (one of those countless universities who have nothing else to do but publish ridiculous researches like eating pig shit reduces chances of heart attack by 0.000003%) which did a study and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing, and still breath. Women don't understand it. They don't understand the Nothing Box and that's what drives them crazy. Because nothing makes a woman more crazy or irritated than watching a man doing NOTHING.


Woman: "What are you thinking?"

Man: "Nothing."

Woman: "You can't be thinking just nothing."

Man: "Yes I can. I am in my Nothing Box."

Woman: "Can I come into your nothing box with you."

Man: "Duh..no...dumb woman. 'Cause then it won't be a Nothing Box, it'll become a Something Box."

Dadi amma dadi amma...

My last surviving grandmother died yesterday. Not that I was emotionally connected with her, infact she hated me (my guts, to be precise). The feeling was mutual with such devotion that even Mirabai would find herself offended. An example, she was being treated for heart ailments in Noida and I never went to pay a visit, not that she expected that from me. According to her, I was this darubaaz, chicken-mutton-eater who, just like his father, had no respect for elders and who would pick up a fight with anyone faster than Javed Miandad. In short, if she would have been around in bollywood, Lalita Pawar would have played roles of bahu with her as saas.

So when I was going to my uncle's home in Noida (where she spent her last days), I felt - in little, discreet doses - sad. When someone you love dies, you feel desperate and lonely. But gradually you overcome those through time. But when someone you hate dies, you know that the void might never fill up.

I think her daughter and daughter-in-law never see eye to eye. Both were crying in different rooms, and there was a sort of competition going on between them as to who can cry louder. Two teams formed quickly and I sensed an invisible rope stretching from room 1 to room 2 with both teams playing tug-of-war (I have seen this game played in my school, and the cries resembled amazingly).

I know I shouldn't bitch like this when one dies. But hey, this is a blog no one reads. I can be honest.

[Not totally unrelated]: What is the opposite of a eulogy?