Dabangggg...

Salman Khan having lunch with his family after the release of 'Veer'.


Salim Khan: "Sallu beta, what is the name of the movie again...Veeru?"

Sallu: "No dad, its Veer. Its time you stopped being so obsessed with Veeru."

Sohail: "So you started with a flop this year. SRK's My Name is Khan did well overseas."

Sallu: "I hate that sonofabitch. He makes Veer-Zara and its a hit. I make Veer-Zarine, its a flop."

Sohail: "Yeah. You know what, we need a 'Wanted'-like movie. Let me produce it and instead of Prabhudeva, we'll get Rajnikant to direct it."

Arbaaz: "No no no. Let me produce the movie."

Sohail: "You?"

Arbaaz: "Yeah. I want to stand on my own legs. I don't want to live on the pocket money Sallu gives me. Malaika also is not getting any younger. Her item number and sexy guest appearance days are numbered now. We need money."

Sallu: "Okz. Arbu will produce the next movie."

Arbu: "Yippiieee. I have done some research already so that it looks hatke. You will have short hair. And you'll have a moustache. And you'll be a real cop this time instead of an undercover one. Plus, you won't be wearing a tshirt in the whole movie."

Sallu: "What? You know how difficult it is to take off a shirt? A tshirt is so easy."

Arbu (Smiles): "Don't worry about that. I have a great idea. you will never have to take off your shirt."

Sallu: "What??...How??...Are you nuts?"

Arbu: "Just leave it to me. Believe me, when the audience sees the scene, they'll go mad."


A few days later.


Arbu: "I've selected the probables for the cast. You'll have to finalize it ofcourse."

Sallu: "Go on."

Arbu: "Your mother will be Dimple Kapadia. There are no fortyish-woman-in-love-with-twentyish-boy roles nowadays so she's ready for the maa role. I'll be playing your brother."

Sallu: "Wait a minute. I think Sohailu should be my brother. He's feeling a bit left out of this project."

Arbu: "No, actually, its a role for a really dumb person. I can do it better."

Sallu: "Okz. But I need a fresh face for the heroine."

Arbu: "That's where Vinod Khanna comes in. He'll play your father. And since he and Shotgun Sinha are both in BJP, he can convince him to launch his daughter in this movie. Thus, we get a star daughter."

Sallu: "What about the script?"

Arbu: "Its a new concept in script writing. The script is in two parts - static and dynamic. Dynamic part will be developed as the shooting progresses - just like Wanted and Veer. Static part is complete."

Sallu: "What's the static part?"

Arbu: "The movie is set in UP."

Sallu: "Hmmm, then my character's surname must be Pandey. Okz, so lets start shooting...I mean the movie. When can we start?"

Arbu: "The car's outside."


Six months later, I was in a multiplex auditorium watching Dabangg. The dynamic part of the script must have been really dynamic - it went past me faster than the speed of light. Performances were average. Sonakshi Sinha was somewhere between Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif (the point that both of them were Sallu's exes is as totally unrelated as Sallu and Arbu). Action sequences were good but one can easily spot the special effects. In all, the movie was just like the Gundas and Cheetahs and Yumraajs that Mithunda used to star in not so long ago.

But there was a twist.

The twist was Chulbul Pandey.

And the crowd went mad.

And I loved it.

Fuck the story. Fuck the screenplay. Fuck everybody. I am Salman Khan. I am Chulbul Pandey. I am the story. The movie is mine. If you could read between the lines, this was the real message Sallu bhai was shouting all throughout the two hours. And the audience loved it. They started seetis and taalis when Chulbul enters the screen and started mowing down the bad guys. Poor people, there were just twenty of them. They had no chance. They were bludgeoned through the off side, through the leg side, behind square leg, through the covers, mid off, mid on, everywhere breaking the fences. The seetis and taalis continued throughout the duration of 'Munni badnaam hui...' which has become the new 'Bidi jalaile..' of the nation. Infact, there was a portion in the movie where Chulbul was absent from the screen for ten odd minutes. There was a huge audible sigh of relief from the audience when he came back. It felt like I was watching the movie in Gorakhpur rather than in a Noida multiplex.

Many will say that it's a typical bollywood hero-centric type of movie. That's right. But only Salman has the style, the karisma, the panache, the awe, to successfully carry out the role of Chulbul Pandey, and hence the movie. Unstoppable...unbelievable. Who needs superheroes in bollywood when you have Mithunda, Sunny paaji and Sallu bhai.

Go watch it. You may like it, you may dislike it. But don't miss it. And do watch the climax to understand why Arbu was smiling.